On August 6th, 2001 I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. I was twenty six years old. I went in to the doctor for a routine checkup and blood test and came out with cancer. Things have not been the same since.
They have been infinitely better.
I was pulverized on the day I found out I was sick. I've struggled with terrible anxiety my whole life, and I was certain that I would never be able to handle cancer. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. The five year survival rate for CML was 38%. I have a history of other health problems, and I didn't think I had the physical or mental strength to fight leukemia.
But it turns out that I did have the strength, and it took something as awful as cancer to finally give me the confidence to get my shit together. Four years later I keep my cancer in remission with a remarkable new drug called Gleevec and a steady diet of Budweiser and McDonalds.
In the last four years I've learned that nothing ever turns out the way you expect it to, and that that isn't such a bad thing. Life is full of surprises, and while a large portion of them suck there are more than enough pleasant ones to make life worth living. I have let go of all of the expectations I had about myself, and with that the disappointments of not fulfilling those expectations. I am focused on enjoying myself and taking steps to put myself in the best situation possible. Things don't always work out, but sometimes they do. That approach has made my anxiety a fading memory, and allowed me to look forward to the next great thing to come along instead of just waiting for the sky to fall.
This is not to say that these years have been easy. There have been days when I have been overwhelmed by my sense of my own bad luck, days when I wanted to just stay in bed and cry. But I have realized that I cannot lament the bad cards that I have been dealt without being thankful for the good ones.
So today I am happy. I am happy that I have medicine to take, happy that I have a job and insurance to pay for it. I am happy that I have so many great friends that have stuck by me, and happy that I have had the strength to tell those who were not supportive to get the fuck out. I am happy to be a cancer survivor and not a cancer patient, and happy to appreciate the difference between the two. But mostly I'm just happy.
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3 comments:
Happy anniversary, Bryc3.
thank you guys, i appreciate it. i nearly titled that post FOUR MORE YEARS but i was afraid i'd get too many Bush fanboys by accident.
FOUR MORE YEARS!
Actually Bryce, that was a really moving post. I almost cried but then I realized that not everyone knows you're real secret ... that you've been milking this cancer thing for years.
Just kidding, man. I love you and losing you would be like losing a piece of me. And I know it would crush Cathleen. And Eddie wouldn't have anyone to blame for his life sucking. And Jeff wouldn't be able to drill line drive's off your knee. Now for the love of god please go back to writing about trying to get in the teenage drive-thru chick's pants!
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