Tony Kornheiser Is My Homeboy

I am totally gay for Tony Kornheiser. I think he's riotously funny. And he's smart enough to surround himself with people that are also funny. I listen to his radio show every morning at work, and I try to watch Pardon the Interruption when I can.

This morning he was talking about a power surge at his house that left some of his electronic equipment fried. Among the things he lost was a small TV. Tony is not technologically inclined, so he went on to talk about what he needed in a TV and expressed doubt that he would be able to find it. He also mentioned that he'd been advised to get surge protectors to prevent this from happening again, but confessed to having no idea what surge protectors are.

I wrote him an email giving him advice about what TV and what kind of surge protectors to get. I explained that my family owns a rather famous TV business and we prefer a certain brand. I wasn't looking for a plug, I was more trying to explain that we know what we're talking about. Well, Mr. Tony read my entire email on the air! I was so thrilled that I didn't even mind that he mispronounced my name. I did, however, write him back to tell him that he had also mispronounced the model name of the television, and told him the correct pronunciation and origin of my last name. Then he read that email too! I was beside myself.

Unfortunately, it seems that no one else heard him read it. I expected a flood of congratulatory emails and phone calls. I didn't get a single one. I even called my brother to tell him, and reminded him that he could hear the re-broadcast of the show later in the morning. At this point I don't even know if he rolled out of bed to check it out.

Oh well, I'm not letting that bother me. I'm famous in my own mind today.

I Still Miss You, But I'm On To You

It started out innocently enough. My allergies were bothering me and I wanted cold medicine to help me sleep. Baby had been at my place all weekend and I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. But when I looked in the drawer in my nightstand all the medicine was gone. I was puzzled, but I didn't sweat it. I went to the medicine cabinet. That is where the good drugs are anyway. After taking the good drugs I didn't worry about the missing cold medicine.

Then last week I needed a measuring cup and couldn't find mine anywhere. Again, Baby had been visiting recently.

Finally, Baby had to go visit her 'parents' in West Virginia this weekend.

So now I need relationship advice:

When is it okay to tell a girl that you know about her meth lab?

I Miss You

I was out of town for four days last week, but I cut my vacation short by a day to come home Saturday to see you. We spent every free minute we had together until Wednesday morning, when I said goodbye and you left for work. You got on a plane to visit your parents Wednesday night and I won't see you again until Tuesday. I miss you already.

I've got guy stuff to do. Played basketball last night, going to the Nats game tonight. Gonna visit my old man tomorrow afternoon and may go see the Nats again on Sunday. I've also got plenty of Playstation to play. Doesn't matter. I still miss you.

I'm starting to believe that this is a sign of something serious. I always fall hard and fast, and I've promised myself not to get caught up with you. I went into this with you expecting it to fail, but determined to give it my best shot. Now that we're in deeper than we ever thought we would get, I've moved past "Hey, this could work" and jumped headfirst into "How the hell did this not work sooner?" We fit together so naturally that I could kick myself for not getting off my ass and going after you sooner. But then again, going through all my other relationship disasters makes me appreciate this one even more.

Tuesday can't get here soon enough.

The Other Woman

Baby,

I’ve got a confession to make. I am out of town, that much is true. And I am staying with mom, that’s also true. But I’m not alone. I’m with my other girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, in a way. I know this is going to upset you, but you’ve got a right to know.

You see, I came down here to visit with every intention of spending time with my family. I was going to hang out with my mom, go see my sister and my nieces, take them to the pool- all that stuff. But the weather has been rainy, and I’ve been stuck in the house. With all this free time on my hands, I was doomed to go back to her. I went hesitantly at first, but she embraced me with open arms and didn’t even mentioned how I left her as soon as I met you.

I feel bad about all of this. I’m thirty, and that’s way too old to be acting the way I have been. I also feel like I’m sneaking around behind your back, so it’s high time I just confessed and let the cards fall where they may. I love her, I just do and I can’t deny it anymore.

But I have been thinking- there really is no reason why I can’t see both of you at the same time. She fills a part of my life that has been neglected since you and I started dating. In the times when we aren’t together I think of going back to her, but I really haven’t had enough time to commit to her. She can be demanding, and it’s especially difficult to be with her because I lose track of time when I am with her. Yet I think I can find a way to juggle you and her together. I don’t want to lose you, yet I feel obligated to her. She has been through so much with me, and she has always been there when I needed her. I’ve kept her from you because I am embarrassed, but I have to finally admit that I need her. She makes me happy and I cannot live without her.

With that in mind, I have to ask you if we can try to make this work together. If we try, I think we can all be happy. So Baby, can we make it work? One big happy family. You, me, and my Playstation. Please?

And You Thought Your Life Was In The Toilet

My toilet has been running for a week or so now. It's not the end of the world, but it keeps us up at night. I've called the property manager and she hasn't returned my calls. I've also taken off the lid and checked out what's going on back there. Looks like a toilet to me. A plumber I am not. So I've just been dealing with a noisy toilet.

This morning I'm getting ready for work and I have to blow my nose. I toss the tissue in the toilet and flush it and walk away. I come back in the bathroom about thirty seconds later and water is coming out of the back of the tank, pouring out on to the floor. Awesome. I grab the trashcan and bathmat and move them before they get wet, and I get towels to put down to soak up the water. Being the inquisitive guy (read: idiot) that I am, I decided to flush the toilet again to see if it does the same thing. Lo and behold, more water. In a stroke of pure genius, I pull the lid off the tank. Water sprays straight up into my face, in a scene straight out of a cartoon.

Like I said I'm no plumber, but I've got a basic understanding of how toilets work. Inside the tank there is a hose that is normally held in place by a plastic tube. Water comes out of the hose and fills the tank, allowing the toilet to flush through the miracle of physics. If it weren't for that tube holding the hose in place, it would spray everywhere. Somehow (perhaps as a result of the toilet running? I don't know) the hose had freed itself of the tube, and was lodged up against it pointing straight up. God himself could not have booby-trapped it any better. My only saving grace is that I did not have my mouth open.

Putting The Emo In Chemo

On August 6th, 2001 I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. I was twenty six years old. I went in to the doctor for a routine checkup and blood test and came out with cancer. Things have not been the same since.

They have been infinitely better.

I was pulverized on the day I found out I was sick. I've struggled with terrible anxiety my whole life, and I was certain that I would never be able to handle cancer. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. The five year survival rate for CML was 38%. I have a history of other health problems, and I didn't think I had the physical or mental strength to fight leukemia.

But it turns out that I did have the strength, and it took something as awful as cancer to finally give me the confidence to get my shit together. Four years later I keep my cancer in remission with a remarkable new drug called Gleevec and a steady diet of Budweiser and McDonalds.

In the last four years I've learned that nothing ever turns out the way you expect it to, and that that isn't such a bad thing. Life is full of surprises, and while a large portion of them suck there are more than enough pleasant ones to make life worth living. I have let go of all of the expectations I had about myself, and with that the disappointments of not fulfilling those expectations. I am focused on enjoying myself and taking steps to put myself in the best situation possible. Things don't always work out, but sometimes they do. That approach has made my anxiety a fading memory, and allowed me to look forward to the next great thing to come along instead of just waiting for the sky to fall.

This is not to say that these years have been easy. There have been days when I have been overwhelmed by my sense of my own bad luck, days when I wanted to just stay in bed and cry. But I have realized that I cannot lament the bad cards that I have been dealt without being thankful for the good ones.

So today I am happy. I am happy that I have medicine to take, happy that I have a job and insurance to pay for it. I am happy that I have so many great friends that have stuck by me, and happy that I have had the strength to tell those who were not supportive to get the fuck out. I am happy to be a cancer survivor and not a cancer patient, and happy to appreciate the difference between the two. But mostly I'm just happy.