You know how sometimes you supress moments of humiliation or stupidity because they're just too much to deal with? Me too. So I'm just sitting here at work and the Braid song "Do You Like Coffee?" comes on my internet radio station. I don't even like the song. But the memory floodgates opened. I'm so J. Alfred Prufrock it's not even funny. Listen to this:
It's about 10 years ago, and I'm in college. I'm taking one of these lecture courses in a giant auditorium with like 300 people. I'm almost certainly very high every time I go to class. But I keep noticing this pretty girl who was just the type of girl I liked back then. Shy, pretty, disarming in that Charlie Brown's Little Red-Haired Girl kinda way.
But of course I never walk up and talk to her. I'm just too ineffectual. I sit and stare and then look away when she catches my eye. I don't even have the guts to smile when I look away when she catches me. No, I just give her the creepy, stalker vibe. Sexy.
So one day after class she walks up to me and starts to make small talk about the course. I'm ok once I actually start talking to a girl. Or so I always tell myself. But this girl finally says, "Do you wanna get a cup of coffee?" and gives me this smile that just melts me. Because I wrote the book on being suave, I smile and deliver a classic line. Are you ready? Wait for it...
Wait for it...
I says to her I says:
"I don't drink coffee."
Without a word she turns and practically runs away. And I never saw her again.
Can you see why I blocked this?
I IM'd Baby to tell her the story, and she reminds me that every girl that got away isn't worth the one I've managed to keep:
Me: "and i never saw her again"
(Baby is typing a message)
Baby: "Idiot"
(Baby is typing a message)
Baby: "How did you ever get me in the sack? If she offers you a steaming cup of poop you take it. Are you retarded?"
Me: "i know right? poor girl probably spent all that time building up her courage then went home and hung herself"
(Baby is typing a message)
Baby: "Please, you're not even that cute."
(Baby is typing a message)
Baby: "pwn3d"
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3 comments:
Is it weird I have a crush on Baby?
not weird at all. just be aware that unless you're a 120 pound 18 year old boy with a big floppy hairdoo you have no chance of getting her in the sack.
you're killing me. in a good way.
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