I Hear The Secrets That You Keep...

So apparently I talk in my sleep.

I've had other girlfriends tell me that I mumble in my sleep, or occasionally even say a few words that don't seem to make sense. But now that Baby and I have been living together long enough to gather a reasonable sample size, there is simply no denying that I talk in my sleep. And knowing me, I'm bound to say something stupid and get into trouble.

The first episode happened right after we moved in together. In the middle of the night, for no apparent reason, I rolled over and punched Baby in the arm. I hit her so hard that I woke us both up. What's scary is that I wasn't the least bit groggy. I woke up on impact, and heard her say, "Ow!" Confused, I asked, "Did I just hit you?" And she says, "Yeah, what the fuck was that all about?" No telling. Thankfully she forgave me, and thankfully I haven't hit her since. Well, not in my sleep anyway. (These are jokes people! ...is this thing on?)

Baby goes running in the mornings before I get up. On days when she runs I don't set my alarm clock, and she comes in and wakes me up. She usually does this by kissing me, because she's just that awesome. So she comes home one morning last week and sits on the bed and kisses me on the lips. Still asleep, I clearly say the words, "Hi Mom." No, I'm not kidding. But again, I knew right away that something was amiss. I immediately say, "Did I just call you Mom?" "You sure did, Son." Yikes.

Then just this weekend we saw this crazy vampire band at the Cat. I don't mean to imply that they're really vampires, although they might well be. But they wear these campy vampire costumes, and they rock in a way that would be derivative if it weren't for the fact that they're dressed up like vampires. When Baby pitched the vampire band idea to me earlier in the day I had balked at it, because I'm a sissy and that kinda thing gives me nightmares. But we ended up having a good time and getting awfully drunk. So drunk, in fact, that Baby fell down a few blocks from home and in front of not a few cars at the traffic light. I laughed, because sadly I'm the guy that laughs at that kinda thing. I also didn't get laid. That's just one of the drawbacks of being that guy.

So anyway later that night I passed out drunk, flat on my back. I started snoring, and Baby told me to roll over. I don't remember this one, but according to Baby I shouted, "Shut up! I'm trying to communicate with the dead!" and just kept on snoring. Your guess is as good as mine on that one. I'm just glad I followed the 'shut up' part with the nonsense part, otherwise I probably would have spent the following night communicating with the dead from the couch.