Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I'll Do It, I Swear I Will!

I went to get gas yesterday after work. I was tired and had skipped my lunch, so I was in no mood to be bothered. I was waiting in line at the gas station when I noticed that some dick had left his Mercedes in front of both pumps at a particular island, ensuring he would be the only one pumping gas on that side. As this was a small station, that meant he was occupying 2 of the 8 pumps. Wait, it gets worse.

I probably had to wait about five minutes to get to a pump. I then had to get out and pump my gas. In all that time there was no sign of the driver of the Mercedes. There was no one in the vehicle, and worse yet there was no hose sticking out of the tank. About this time I noticed a guy in a suit and overcoat walking out of the Starbucks across the parking lot and headed toward the Mercedes. Sure enough, he puts his cup of coffee on the roof of the car and starts fumbling for his keys. At this point he notices me glaring at him. "What?!" he says. "Did you just park your fucking car at both pumps so you could go to Starbucks?" I ask. "Yeah," he says, "You got a fucking problem with that?" This presented me with several options:

1. Go the tough guy route, and walk over and fight him.

2. Stand where I was and publicly humiliate him, as by now people had noticed the shouting and the profanity.

3. Drive away and do nothing.

I chose number two. I'm like that.

I says to him I says, "Well, parking there was pretty bad, but acting like an asshole about it is making it a lot worse." This gets a chuckle from the other pumpers. Obviously a quick wit, he replies with, "Well, what are you gonna do about it, pal?" Me: "I'm going to point out what an asshole you are. I thought I was making that pretty clear." Louder laughs this time. But I can tell he is a bit flustered, because he says, "Where are your fucking balls? Come do something about it. I'm not going anywhere." Regrettably, I hit him back with, "I see that, and it's only exacerbating your whole asshole problem." This met with general silence and confusion among the pumpers. You'd think in my thirty years of being a smartass I would have learned that confrontations with the bully are no place to show off your vocabulary. It works in the movies, but extras seem to be a lot smarter than your average bystander.

But I felt as if I had achieved my goal. I got a few laughs and humiliated the guy. So I just got in the car and drove away. There was really no point in getting into a fist fight, and I probably would have lost anyway.

Situations like that are precisely the reason I don't own a gun. Because if I would have had one, I would have pulled it out. I don't necessarily know if I would have shot him, but I would have let him know that I was considering it. I would use it for the shock value, to explain in no uncertain terms that no, I'm sorry, but today is definitely not the day to fuck with me.

As I was driving home I was having a conversation with my friend Steve, explaining my need for something gun-like that would serve the same purpose. Something so immediately shocking and recognizable that whoever I was arguing with would just give up in fear. I've mentioned before that I used to think a fake badge would work in those situations, but surely there must be something better and scarier. That gave me an idea- a whip. Think about it. You get into an argument and they pull their coat up to reveal a whip on their hip, Indiana Jones-style. Who knows how to use a whip? Probably somebody who means fucking business, that's who. I was pretty proud of this, but without hesitation Steve offered up the answer:


I should carry around a jar of bees in the event that someone messes with me. It's brilliant in it's simplicity. Should an argument escalate into a potential conflict I could slowly remove the jar from my pocket and hold it up. "You don't want me to use THESE, do you?"

Admit it, you'd be scared.


Lady Tiara said...

the whip seems like it would require much less maintenance. the bees aren't going to be very threatening if you pull out the jar and they are all dead.

Lady Tiara said...

oh, and i like that you used the word "exacerbate" in an argument with someone who was clearly a moron. you've got to remember, two syllables or less.

Anonymous said...

You're going to get shot Indiana Jones style by someone else before you get a chance to pull out the bees or whip out the whip. Seriously, assholes have guns.

Aboroth said...

A whip isn't scary, the guy would laugh at you. Bees, maybe, but it would probably weird people out more than scare them.

I think the badge would be the most effective route because holy shit, who wants to fight a cop?

bryc3 said...

welcome anon, and aboroth.^^

i had suggested to steve that maybe i use a beard of bees instead of a jar. it would eliminate the whole logistical nightmare of capturing them all.

of course, bees opens up all manner of gnarly shit you could keep in your car. things that were considered by steve and i but later thrown out: a shark, tigers, snakes, some class of attack monkey, or just a dead baby.

Anonymous said...

damn it. gary reads this blog. i have to give him credit. he and i had discussed at great length the usage of fierce creatures as weapons. snakes, bees, and weasles (weasles, in large enough quanitites, of course) were tops in all categories. i think we had even considered the possibility of creatures that on their own were not so fierce, but when used in combination would be quite devastating. in any case, the bee concept came from gary.

etta...we considered the dead bee scenario. clearly, a bee biosphere would have to be constructed. we didn't know how to do that. an effort to smear gary and distract from my shame of trying to take credit for his comedy, i will make fun of his spelling.


gary, one of the most intelligent people i know, once spelled the word "porcupine" like this:


...and i'll never have my comeuppance. you hear me? no comeuppance!


Aboroth said...


garis001 said...

yah the bee idea is awesome, but you need something more practical and non-perishable. You need glitter. After months of opening x-mas cards from the family filled with that sparkling shit i'd just about had it.But now I am thinking you could use that to toss into Mr. Mercedes and he can spend the rest of his weekend cleaning up his precious roadster.

bryc3 said...

i'm diggin' the glitter idea. that concept goes nicely with my favorite high school prank- confetti in the yard.

toilet paper is a pain to get out of trees, but it can be done. try getting confetti out of our grass.

lol @ gary's spelling

Kathryn Is So Over said...

HOW COME NO ONE HAS MENTIONED THE SIMPSONS "...and they shoot killer bees out of their mouths..."

God, people. Are we nerds or not?!?

Plash said...

ahahahaaha a dead baby!!!!!

I'd be scared as hell if someone pulled a whip out. Sure I'd still make jokes... but pants, well, let's cut to it, I'd shit myself. There I said it. I've played this scenerio over and over in my head in the past 15 minutes, and I've come to this conclusion:

If you pulled a whip on me, or bees! for that matter, and I ended up shitting my pants... I wouldn't have enough pride left to NOT throw my shit at you. Those better be some kick ass bees, or you better own me with that whip, cause I sure as hell have good aim.

lol @ porkypine and dead babies

Anonymous said...

that is exactly why I shouldn't carry a gun...

Anonymous said...

drano bomb...inexpensive and you already know how to do it...