Look I'm no authority on fashion. Me = blue jeans, tshirt, Chucks. I've got a deep distrust for men who spend too much time in front of the mirror. I understand that being fashionable is an acquired skill, something I simply do not possess. I recognize that some men can do it- my hangup is that most can't. So if you buy your clothes at anything that could be considered a boutique, then this isn't for you. If you're like the vast majority of men, however, I think I might have a bone to pick with you. You see you and me need to talk, and it's about your clothes. I apologize if this bruises your feelings, but believe me when I tell you that it hurts us more than it hurts you. I don't want to waste any more time, so let's get right to the point.
Pleats? No.
I simply cannot believe that men are still wearing pleated pants in 2005. Somewhere along the line someone decided that putting pleats in your pants gives you a 'slimming' effect. No fellas, it doesn't. It makes your already fat ass look pear-shaped. But beyond the failed effort to take the focus off your girth, you are demonstrating that you are completely oblivious to the fact that just about any woman you meet will tell you that pleated pants are fucking retarded. The plain-front Dockers are right next to the pleated ones at JC Penney. Please, for all of us, give up the pleats.
Black guys are cooler than you.
They just are. They can make ridiculous outfits look good. Case in point- the tie and shirt of the same color fabric look. This looks snappy on brothers; it looks incredibly stupid on me and you. I know that you have, like, at least three black Friendsters, and that that one guy in your frat's mom was black. That's great, you're a very diverse individual. But stop kidding yourself whitey, you look a fool.
Mandals.
Unless they are going to come into direct contact with sand, you are never, ever to wear shoes that expose your toes. Do you hear me? The one passable exception is a basic pair of flip flops, which I guess you can wear when you're farting around on the weekends. But the minute you show up at the bar with anything that buckles or straps...
Your underpants are not for pictures.
When I was seven I had Superman Underoos. They rocked. I put them on and pretended to be Superman. You know what was the coolest part about it? I was SEVEN. Now I'm a grownup, and so are you. So no more pictures on your underpants. This means that you're going to have to throw away your boxers with the Christmas trees/Budweiser frogs/naked ladies/New York Yankees logo. If you look in your underwear drawer and you see the words "Joe" and "Boxer" it's headed for the trash. And yes, I'm sorry, you're going to have to finally rid yourself of those threadbare, faded, silk monstrosities that your girlfriend gave you in college.
Superfan.
There is one acceptable place to wear a jersey- to the game where the team is playing. So, when the Yankees are in town, you and your mouthbreathing idiot friends can suit up in your Derek Jeter replicas and pound Miller Lites at Camden Yards. For the 358 days a year when the Yanks aren't in town, that fucker is staying in the closet. It will have company right next to your repressed homosexuality.
Been there, done that.
Under no circumstances is it permissible to wear a tshirt advertising a city, bar, or restaurant you have visited. We don't care. This is especially true if the place has a slightly racy name. No one over thirteen thinks your "I got crabs at Dick's Raw Bar" shirt is funny. It is worth noting, however, that it is absolutely acceptable to wear a tshirt advertising a band that you have seen play. The rub is that only certain bands are acceptable. How will you know? If you bought the shirt at the 'concert,' it's a nono. If it cost more than twenty dollars, it's a nono. If it has a collar, it's a nono. You know what? On second thought maybe you should just stay away from the band tshirts.
Tucking.
Repeat after me: "With the sole exception of weddings, I promise that I will not tuck anything into anything from the hours of 5pm Friday through 8am Monday."
I'd like to point out that the phenomenon isn't restricted to men. In the spirit of equality, some tips for the ladies.
Tall butts.
This one confuses me. I've never dated a woman with a tall butt, so I don't really understand the physiology of the thing. But for some reason, some women have butts that start in the middle of their backs. Call me crazy, but if I were one of these women I think I'd wear my pants somewhere below my nipples so as not to exaggerate the tall butt phenomenon. Please relax and pull your pants down a little. Don't worry, we all know about the embarrassing tattoo.
Enough with the boobs already.
Your boobs are great. They look good and you like showing them off. I enjoy looking at them. But we are at WORK. Please, for the love of god, cover them up at least a little bit. We're trying to work here. Jesus Christ, did I really just type that? That doesn't make me gay, does it?
Yankees rule!
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9 comments:
all excellent points. the pleated khakis are the worst, and it's always the guys with the big asses who were them, just making the situation worse.
i'm not sure i understand the tall butt thing, but i now have an awful image in my head of a woman who has something really strange poking out of her back. thanks a lot.
as for the boobs in the workplace, i've had co-workers complain that guys at the office stare at their boobs. yes, i know it's not pleasant, but if you weren't wearing a plunging v-neck, this situation would come up a lot less often.
Please, don't repress the Metrosexuality. There's a reason women love gay men: they look good.
I coudn't agree more: pleated pants are evil and make any man look fat. But what do you think an untucked shirt looks like? It looks like trying to hide a fat butt and/or gut. Tuck, by all means, but never without a belt (not braided, see below).
LOVE the mandals--so euro, so metro. Not including Tevas or Birkenstocks, of course, those are all the evil you're describing.
And while I'm dominating your blog with my optinions, may I mention a man should never, ever wear anything braided or woven. Worst offending example: woven tassle loafers. Satan invented them, he wears them when not wearing his Tevas or Birkenstocks. Second worse: the braided belt. So last century, so uptight.
thanks!
ps. please discard the Chucks as soon as you turn thirty. fine befre, but after it hints at desperately clinging to youth.
thanks again!
pss. LOVE your blog, please keep posting!
you know, it's funny that you mentioned the woven belts. i nearly put those in the original post, but i wasn't sure that phenomenon was widespread enough to be understood. my dad rocks the golf shirt tucked into the jean shorts tied together with the brown, woven leather belt. i was hoping this was an isolated incident. i'm saddened (although not surprised) to find that that look is more prevalent than i thought.
i turned 30 in march and i still wear the chucks, thank you very much. but this makes me nervous: "desperately clinging to youth." my god, is it that obvious?
no, no, i think chucks are fine for guys past 30. particularly given when you are wearing them with (old jeans and a band t shirt you definitely didn't pay more than 10 bucks for. in fact, you probably got it for free because you went to junior high with the merch guy.). i would much rather see chucks than the dreaded mandals. (shudder)
i dunno about advice, the concept of wanting to tuck is foreign to me.
maybe encourage him to wear clothes that are less likely to require tucking, like jeans?
unless, dear lord, he tucks into his jeans. if that's the case i'm afraid it's hopeless.
Okay, I'm black and I tuck, so I've got some thoughts here.
First ... I'm not going to knock the Chucks, but when I think of Chucks now, I think of graphic designers, Rem Koolhaas admirers and fashion rock avatars. You should only wear Chucks now out of a sense of nostalgic irony. Not hating, just saying.
Second ... pleats are for pasty white real estate developers and marketing executives who have helmeted hair, grew up on the Osmonds, use Enzyte for "natural male enhancement," and golf on the weekends. If you do not fall into this category, or do not want to, do not wear them. I would call them gay, but that would be an insult to homosexuals, as I do not have a single gay friend who wears them.
Third ... I really think you should tuck unless you're wearing jeans. It's a sharp look that suggests fastidiousness and being in control. The secret (part one) is to get a rocking belt. The $20 Old Navy belt ain't what I'm talking about. Even guys with guts look better with belts, as untucked shirts over guts resemble drapery. The other part of the secret is to not wear wrinkled clothes, or shirts that are too big and therefore "blouse" on you. It's all about looking crisp.
That's all.
we're going to have to agree to disagree about the chucks mergerson. i have no idea who Rem Koolhaas is, so i think that makes me punk rock enough to continue to wear them. i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'.
i'd argue that pleated khakis are the very antithesis of gay.
the tucking rule is simply non-negotiable. i believe that we are going for different looks. of tucking, you write:
"It's a sharp look that suggests fastidiousness and being in control."
these are two looks i'm trying to avoid. ditto the rocking belt. the belt i wear most often is the same one i have had since i was 16. if that's not rocking, i don't know what is.
If I wanted to wear the same belt I wore when I was 16, I'd need a corset to draw in my waist.
As for boobs in the office ... I echo etta's point. They're not a problem unless a lady makes them one. Complaining about men staring at dem thangs is like complaining about the rain in Seattle. It ain't gonna change, so your behavior has to adjust.
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