I Might Be A Dick, But You Know You Kinda Do Look Like T-Rex (PS- Call Me)

I'm new here, in this neighborhood. Been here about a month. I don't know any of my neighbors yet, which is sort of unusual for me. I'm the kind of person that says "Hello" to the random people that live in my building. I smile and make small talk. I want them to like me. I want to like them. I've yet to make these connections in this place. I believe that I can trace it to one bizarre, five minute episode that's so typical of the bizarre, five minute episodes that seem to happen to me.

I'd been here about a week, and a shit ton of boxes and other moving detritus had piled up in my apartment. I'd been putting off taking it to the dumpster because, frankly, I didn't know where the dumpster was. One evening after work I went out to find the dumpster, making concentric circles around the property until I finally found the goddamn thing. Turns out I've got to navigate any number of staircases and obstacles to get there, so there is no chance I'm carrying all that shit. I load it up in my car and drive over there.

I pull up alongside the dumpster and throw it all in. Recyclables and all. I don't even care. I'm systematically destroying the Earth to exact revenge on my one-time fiance, full-time conservationist, all-time hideous bitch goddess. This is immature and passive aggressive, but I can accept that. The emo record fuck-you sendoff never really got off the ground. This is my revenge. Forgive me. I feel better with every Budweiser bottle that explodes in the dumpster. Take that! And that!

With my chores/therapy done for the day, I get back in my car to drive home. The dumpster is situated on a kind of one-way street behind a row of buildings. It's fairly straightforward that you're supposed to drive FORWARD on one-way streets, but I look to my right and see someone driving BACKWARDS the wrong way, right at me. The car is moving slowly, I am in no real danger. I am, however, at a loss as to what to do. I can't go anywhere. My only choice was to drive backwards as well, and that wasn't in the cards. The dumpster sits at the corner of an 'L' shape in the street, like this:

| C |
| | |
| | |
| v |
| F |____________
|D_______________

I'm pretty proud of that drawing, by the way.

So the other person's car is 'C,' as in and they're closing in on me. The dumpster is 'D' because dumpster begins with a 'D.' I'm at 'F' which stands for 'Fucked' but was too long to fit in the drawing.

Now mind you, I'm not worried about getting smashed. I'm worried about an embarrassing situation involving my neighbors. I want to be friendly guy, not idiot who blocks the dumpster guy. But I really can't do anything, and at this point I can make out the driver in her rearview mirror. My luck, of course, is that she is an attractive young woman. I make eye contact with her. I know she sees me. She continues to back up. I gesture fairly calmly. I make the universal sign for "I'm terribly sorry and somewhat embarrassed, but you see I'm stuck here and I am uncertain what to do. You are going the wrong way, but I'm new here and you're cute and I am totally willing to be the bad guy if it means I turn out to be the nice, understanding guy who admits when he is wrong. But, regardless, I don't know what to do right now so please don't hit my car." She can't decipher the message, she continues to back up.

She's closing fast now, and my sign language picks up in intensity. I gesture wildly. I put my hands up. I even honk my horn. She keeps backing up. Ten feet, five feet, three feet. At this point my mouth just hangs open. She drives directly into my car. She's hit the front, passenger side.

I get out of the car. I'm awestruck. I'm incredulous. I'm dumbfounded. I'm embarrassed for the both of us. I am not, however, angry. The damage, if any, is probably minor. My car is nice, but it's nothing insurance can't fix and I'm not the guy who cares about that kind of thing. I am, however, the kind of guy who appreciates that misfortune is sometimes awfully funny. I walk around my car to check things out. She gets out of her car.

There is no politically correct way to put this. She has some sort of physical disability. She has a pronounced limp. She also has one of those little mini-arms, sort of like a tyrannosaurus rex. Some might call that description 'insensitive.' I call it 'apt.' I am immediately ashamed. This is a woman who probably has enough shit to deal with on a regular basis, and now this has happened. I immediately feel sorry for her. I smile. I beckon to her. My expression says, "It's ok, fucked up shit happens sometimes. I forgive you." She walks (more like waddles) right up to me and says (more like slurs):

"Why didn't you move?!"

I almost ask her to repeat herself. Are you kidding? You can't be serious! "I had nowhere to go, I thought you saw me" is my only defense. "I did see you, I thought you would know to move." Know to move! I don't know what to say. I have a million plausible defenses, none of which I feel like employing. I feel like a heel. Three minutes ago I'm thinking "Don't hit my car, cute new neighbor" and now I'm thinking "Goddamn T-Rex just rolled me on purpose." I hate myself for being so shallow. I hate her for being so stupid.

This story has no real ending. Turns out that, miraculously, her bumper has collided with my front tire, which was turned to the right in anticipation of, you know, driving the right fucking way down the one-way fucking street after I finished with the fucking dumpster. I have no damage. She has only minor damage, which she is kind enough to explain that she won't 'call the cops' about. I laugh at that. I've held in the laughter this long, I can't take it anymore. I laugh because the cops will hear the story and laugh. I will explain it, they will understand it, and somehow I will be charged with reckless driving and forced to pay for this. My premiums will go up. I will go broke. I will be forced to move into this fucking dumpster where parking is anything but ample.

In the days after this, I anticipate meeting new neighbors and explaining the story. We will laugh at the stupid lady that hit my car. I will regale them with my hyperbole and theatrics. I get no such opportunity. I've been ostracized. From that day forward I have not encountered anyone. Turns out the joke is on me. I reckon that T-Rex is the hub of the community, and I've been blacklisted. Ah well, what can you do? Nothing really, except WALK to the fucking dumpster from now on.