Embracing Failure

Well, I should have seen that coming.

I had this giant test last week, to test my project management acumen. It's a made up discipline (sort of like business school), where they assign incredibly specific definitions to everyday words that make no sense in the context in which the words are normally used. For example, here's the definition of Activity Attributes:

"Multiple attributes associated with each schedule activity that can be included within the activity list."

Got that? And no, I'm not citing my sources. Go ahead, lock me up.

Like any of the management theories, it's 10% useful and 90% crap. People at a place called the Project Management Institute don't want to get real jobs, so they've made up an entire discipline and several credentials, and they've convinced people that these credentials are important. So important, in fact, that you have to pass a test to get them! Ignoring the convenient fact that there is a shit ton of money to be made in the credentialing process. You're charged to join the Project Management Institute society (I'm not making that up), you're charged to take the test itself, and you're charged to buy the study guides and books and classes to help take the test. An entire industry created around something that is completely made up. Fucking brilliant. And your Government is spending money hand over fist to pay its employees and contractors to get the credentials.

But I'm buying into the process, because I want to get ahead. The getting leukemia in my twenties thing really fucked up my whole Alex P. Keaton career track, and I need to catch up. I've decided to take the process seriously, to use the buzzwords religiously, to demonstrate that I'm the very embodiment of the project management discipline. I am drinking the Kool Aid.

I've decided to apply for the Certified Associate in Project Management (CAPM) credential. The goal would be the Project Management Professional (PMP) credential, but I don't have enough experience to qualify for that one yet. Actually, that's not entirely true. I could demonstrate work experience that would more than qualify me, but it would require me to get into contact with bosses at old jobs and do tons of paperwork. They seem to audit almost everyone who applies for these credentials, and I just can't be bothered with dealing with all of that. The CAPM is treated like a lite version of the PMP, with less stringent experience requirements. Plus the test is easier. Bonus. I figure next year (when I have enough continuous experience at the firm I'm at) I'll upgrade to the PMP. You don't care, do you?

I signed up to take a three day seminar in August, on the company dime (cost: $1,500). It was grueling- classes ran from 8am to 5pm, covering the most boring material imaginable. But I was committed to taking it seriously and learning the concepts. The course was offered from a third party, but it came with the usual guarantees about passing the exam and learning the discipline. It seemed like a good idea, and I did very well on all of the practice exams in the classes. I consistently scored in the 80's, when I only needed a 60 on the pass/fail actual exam to receive the credential. I left the class feeling good, like I was prepared for the real exam.

Getting registered was a nightmare. It took forever to join the society (cost: $129), then get cleared for the exam (cost: $225). I ended up being audited, so I had to document that I was qualified to take the test. Weeks passed before I was finally able to schedule, and I chose last Friday to allow myself ample time to study.

I hit the books hard. I made flash cards, I took and re-took the practice exams. My class had an optional online component with additional practice exams, and I took all of those as well. By the time I finished studying, I was consistently scoring near 90%. I never had to apply myself in college or grad school, because I'm one of those people who excels at taking tests. And the practice exams were full of easy questions, the kind where common sense is usually all you need. Hypothetical example:

You are a project manager in charge of evaluating several sales proposals. On the eve of the day you're scheduled to make your decision, a sales manager from one of the bidding firms calls you to offer front row seats to the Super Bowl, and use of the corporate jet. You should:

A) Take the bribe. Football is awesome!

B) Take the bribe, but murder the sales manager to cover your tracks. The perfect crime!

C) Take the bribe, but have the sales manager give the tickets to your wife so as to not arouse suspicion. You clever bastard!

D) Do not accept the bribe. Integrity is awesome!

I'm not a rocket scientist, and my IQ is only 147, but I figured I had a pretty good chance of passing the test.

I got to the testing center, and they sat me down in front of the computer. I took the tutorial that taught me how to use a mouse (seriously), and clicked through for my first question:

您是项目负责人负责评估几个销售提案。在天的前夕您预定做出您的决定, 一个销售主任从出价的企业的当中一个叫对公司喷气机的您为超级杯提供前排位子, 和用途。您应该:

A) 采取贿款。橄榄球是令人敬畏的!
B) 采取贿款, 但谋杀销售主任盖您的轨道。完善的罪行!
C) 采取贿款, 但让销售主任给到您的妻子的票以便不激起怀疑。您聪明的坏蛋!
D) 不要收受贿赂。正直是令人敬畏的!

Okay not really, but close enough. I had no fucking idea what I was doing. For several minutes I thought I was taking the wrong test. But there were enough vaguely familiar terms that I realized I was, in fact, just screwed. I fumbled my way through 150 questions, feeling dumber than I've ever felt in my life. I guessed wildly, but I knew I was getting at least some right. The math questions, at the very least, were like the ones in my book. The rest, however, were full of terms and concepts I had never seen before. My class and study guide were completely useless. I was on my own. But hey, I only needed to get 90 out of 150 right, right? This just might work...

No chance, I failed. I walked out of the test center with my tail between my legs. The test is divided into 14 "Knowledge Areas" and each area gets a random number of questions. The test results don't tell you how many questions you actually got right or wrong, but they do give you a percentage correct for each area. In the places with the equations, I got scores as high as 92%. In places with the unfamiliar terms, I got scores as low as 40%. To add insult to injury, if you take the average score of my percentages and weight them evenly, I would have passed with a 66%. But, of course, the exam was randomly weighted toward the shit I didn't know, and I failed. Wonderful. Did I mention it was raining when I left the test center? Of course it was, for the first time in months.

为什么坏事总发生在我身上?