Unfortunately that's not true.
So I'm watching the Today Show this morning because it's my personal Two Minutes Hate. They were running a segment on something called Webkinz- the latest kids toy in the vein of Cabbage Patch Kids and Beanie Babies. Ignore, for a moment, that as is the case with nearly all of these crazes, the people who are most excited are poorly adjusted adults. Webkinz are different from typical stuffed animals, because somehow the internet is involved. Apparently kids go online and take care of the pets, decorate their houses, and attract sexual predators. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but the segment featured a lot of pasty little seven-year-old kids clicking their mouses on the computers in their bedrooms.
Kids are going batshit crazy for these things, and what's a parent to do? You just can't find them anywhere, the stores sell out too fast! The segment focuses on young girls who have dozens of them in their bedroom, and they love them all ever so much. And if you're into the Children of the Corn, you can't help but feel for these poor little girls who want, nay, FUCKING NEED, more Webkinz. For God's sake, won't someone think of the children!?
So, like:
1) We're on the verge of any number of world wars, and the entire earth is turning to shit by the second. If your biggest concern is that you can't find Webkinz for your spoiled children, you need to re-evaulate your priorities. If you feel compelled to save the children from this tragedy, and you believe the correct avenue for doing this is bitching about Webkinz on the Today Show, then you simply have to kill yourself.
2) We only have a 'shortage' of Webkinz because you bought ninety of them for your rotten children the last time they were in stock. As you drove your SUV from toy store to toy store throughout the suburbs, did you ever once consider the poor kids who would go without as you snapped up every one you could find, all along knowing it still wouldn't be enough to satiate your own materialistic children?
3) Your seven year old son (Cole, Maddox, Banana Republic, whatever his name is) who loves Webkinz? Gay.
4) Tomorrow's Today Show will almost certainly contain a segment on childhood obesity. Parents and researchers will wag their fingers and blame Oreos and commercials. They'll petition the school board and get cookies removed from the cafeteria. And the kids who actually, I dunno, go outside and run around sometimes will be punished while your kids become fatties as they sit in front of computers playing with their virtual pets.
5) Everyone at Ganz, the company who makes Webkinz, should be fired today. The company has stated that demand has been crushing, and they've been unable to come up with a strategy to manufacture what has become the hottest toy for American girls, ages 4 to 8. You're lying or retarded. What idiot doesn't know that the best way to make toys for American girls, ages 4 to 8, is to pay Vietnamese girls, ages 4 to 8, to make them?
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10 comments:
#3 made me laugh. I hope that somewhere in Beverly Hills, or some other trendy-upscale town, someone has probably named their child Banana Republic. Or perhaps Nordstrom's. Maybe Saks Fifth-Avenue.
So naturally I was curious to see what kind of Webkinz one could own, as I'm into the culture of the 4-8 age demographic, and I had a few thoughts.
First off, every single webkinz is named for what type of animal they are - simple right? Except one. Why the hell is the Goose called Googles? Does it double as a search engine? Can using the goose make your kids "Feel lucky"? (which just sounds wrong) Is the goose the unpopular Webkinz that wasn't cool enough to receive a real name of Goose?
Secondly, it's nice to see a toy maker separating the different animals into colors, so that your child can learn about segregation at an early age! Black Lab, Black Bear, White Terrier, and the poor kid that's going to grow up confused and disliked by everyone, Black-and-white Cat.
Lastly, I now understand why Webkinz are so popular. You can own a fucking Pegasus. I know that when I was a kid, I thought Greek Mythology was pretty badass... But hold up, why does Pegasus look like a fucking My Little Pony? Seriously, you could easily mistake the two, except for the fact that Pegasus was lucky enough to not have hearts, stars, or some other symbol tattooed on its ass.
Not to mention, Pegasus is more pink than the pink pony. What the shit? Why didn't they switch the colors? Now instead of Pink Pony and Pegasus, they have sorta-lavender pony and Pegasus the fairy.
Oh, did I mention that Pegasus was gay? He is bright pink, with a rainbow couch and a rainbow souffle. FLAAAAAAAAAMING.
Man, if I was Greek, I'd be pretty pissed right now.
welcome back. re: #3: an actress who used to be on melrose place actually named her child hermes. you may think she was referring to the greek god, but there's an accent mark that indicates that she named her kid after the french luxury department store. i suppose she should get points for going international with the douchebag name, rather than just calling him neiman marcus.
abo: dating girls ages 4 to 8 does not necessarily make you a part of the demographic. it does, however, make you a stud. but beyond that, well-played on the pegasus investigation. excellent attention to detail.
lt: i honestly need to do a post on parents who give their kids names with no regard to how much they'll be teased. hermes (in addition to being fucktarded) is one letter away from herpes. yeah, kids will probably never notice that. further, boy told me his wife is considering naming their son connor. say that with my last name. ouch. think! people!
google "baby did a bad bad thing." it's a site all about the insane names that people give their children (and the "creative" spellings of shitty names, e.g., madysin, tiphinee). it's awesome. connor is a perfectly nice name. with your last name, it's a fucking nightmare.
If you obviously took 5 minutes time to write about stuff you hate...You obviously don't care about the world.Because in that 5 minutes,you could be out donating money,or helping out at a children's hospital.So you see you're a big hippocrit.Also parents go out and buy all those webkinz to sell on ebay.DDDUUUHHH!!!!!!!!!So just shut up already!!!!!
Good idea about helping out at a children's hospital. Next time I get five free minutes, I'm going to spend them setting your fucking children on fire. Think of the money that hospital is gonna make on your fried kids!
That is what you meant, right?
No you asshole.First of all you have hell in your soul ok.And second of all,I don't have kids because I'm 14 years old so leave me the shit alone.
Excellent comeback, very clever.
Kid, you read one post on this blog and made some sweeping judgments about the kind of person I am. I made similar judgments after watching one TV segment about a bunch of idiots. The difference is that I did it to be funny, and you're doing it to be self-righteous.
I can see from your site visits (you do know I can see who you are and what you're looking at, right?) that you're not reading the rest of the blog, and you're only checking to see if I've replied. So do me a favor- read some more and come up with some better insults, or just go away.
Oh, and get a spacebar.
Ya know... You're being a little harsh on a 14 year old... Don't you think??
LT- meh
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