This one isn't at all funny. But honestly, how often do you get a soapbox? Plus shit and goddamn it and crap and exclamation points! I'm too pissed not to rant.
I walked into the kitchen at work today and found a group of people looking at the windows. I walked over, and they told me that George W. Bush had just gone into the Department of Education (jokes for days) across the street. To protect W, the police and Secret Service had closed off the entire block. They also stopped people from leaving the surrounding buildings, trapping more than a few people in the Starbucks on the corner. My fellow pinko commie co-workers and I exchanged more than a few jokes about W as we waited for him to leave, in hopes of catching a glance. First he tricked us (and any lurking snipers) by sending out the double that looks just like him and moves to the dummy limo (aren't they all dummy limos when W rides in them?). The next time you bitch about your job, re-evaulate. You could be the man that not only looks like W, but whose sole job is to get shot in the face by a terrorist so W doesn't have to. Those TPS reports suddenly seem a lot more fun, don't they?
So anyway W finally comes outside, waves to the photographers, and gets in the limo and leaves with the motorcade. If you live in DC, you see these things from time to time. Having grown up here, I've been seeing them for years. And I tell you what, W's is mighty impressive. Far longer than, say, Reagan's, and that motherfucker got shot here! If you've never seen W's parade, it features truck after truck full of soldiers pointing fucking machine guns out the window at people standing on the street. They're not specifically aiming at any one person (unless you fit the profile, of course), but rather just training the gun from one person to the next to make sure nobody tries any funny business. I don't know about you, but I sure do feel safe about the state of our freedom when there is a fucking gun pointed at me. Thankfully W escaped unharmed. I hate the man to no end, but only a fool would want anything terrible to happen to him. Have you seen the demons who are on deck? Yikes.
But all these thoughts of W got me thinking that I should write him a letter. Here it is:
Dear Mr. Bush, you go on and on about preserving freedom and defending democracy, but you drive around in a fucking tank just a few blocks from your big White House. What's that say about winning the war on terror? If you need a private army to guard you just a stone's throw from the Capitol, how must your troops in the thick of the shit in Iraq feel every day? Have you ever thought about that? No, of course you haven't. Because you're a coward and an idiot.
You are also, however, our President. I keep hoping that one day you do something worry of living up to that title. Your father was on the Today show this morning, with your remarkably unattractive sister (seriously, what's up with that?). Dad was blathering on about something to do with Jeb, about how he's doing a heckuva job and all that bullshit you guys tell each other all the time. And then something truly scary dawned on me. I found myself remembering your dad fondly in comparison to you. Can you seriously have fucked up the country so badly that you've made your own father look good?
Do us all a favor. Stop even bothering with the appearances in DC. Nobody believes you're actually getting anything done. No more photo opps, no more press conferences, no more trips to Nats games. We spend way too much local money protecting you, and none of us likes waiting in traffic while you and your army drive by. We want you to be safe, we don't want anything to happen to you. This isn't because we like you very much, mind you, but only because we hate the men behind you far, far more. So protect your neck, and go back to Texas. Take Allen, Foley and the rest of your henchmen and hole yourselves up at the ranch. We've got work to do fixing everything you've broken, and the clock is ticking.
If we don't write then we're alright.