Dear Washington Nationals, Go To Hell

Here are ten things the Washington Nationals can do to stop sucking.

1. Start winning games. I realize this might seem like an obvious solution, but apparently it has not dawned on the Nats that the object of baseball is to score more runs than your opponent.

2. Refuse to let anyone into RFK stadium wearing a jersey worn by the opposing team. This one should be easy enough to enforce. When the Yankees, Mets or Phillies are in town, you can effectively keep the gates closed. No one is coming to root for the Nats anyway.

3. Move the team to somewhere in the vicinity of New Jersey. We're not talking about a serious downgrade here, as the team currently plays on the banks of the Anacostia River. And judging by the way these fat sons of bitches from Jersey pound hotdogs and swill Miller Lites at games when the Mets are in town, the team stands to make a fortune at the concession stands.

4. Consider fixing the clock high above home plate that has been broken since my childhood. This would be particularly helpful for the 20,000 Virginians who come to each game, as it will help them get home in time to watch The O'Reilly Factor.

5. Install microphones at every concession stand, and monitor all conversations. Track down every fat, white asshole from the suburbs who is rude to the kids working behind the counter. Take their privileged, ungrateful children out of whatever private school they attend and force them to grow up in Southeast. Make them work their summers at a grill in 100 degree heat cooking hotdogs for insensitive assholes for minimum wage. Then, once they've gained perspective, fucking murder every single one of them.

6. Find the idiot who spent money fixing the PA system that blares music throughout the upper deck, and fire him. We liked it better when all we could hear was the crowd and the game. No one needed to hear Babe Ruth's theme song to know he was coming to the plate.

7. Speaking of music, be made aware that the lyrics to Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" are "...and sugar we're goin' down swingin'." Someone tell catcher Brian Schneider, who has recently 'raised' his batting average to .236, that he may want to pick out a new theme song.

8. Find the guy who was selling t-shirts in front of the stadium this weekend that simply said "Mets Suck," with the sales pitch "It's never too early to start teaching your kids poor sportsmanship" and give him a job. He's better than anyone you have in your marketing department.

9. Consider promotions and games between innings for people who don't happen to be sitting in the ten most expensive sections in the stadium. As thrilled as that lawyer's kid who gets a free t-shirt from Screech every game seems to be, I'm willing to bet the Boys Club of Northeast that's sitting in the upper deck would appreciate it more.

10. If you have bobbleheads next year, and you make the last one of the set Screech, but you make it only available to kids under 12, and you don't advertise that fact, and season ticket holders show up with a screaming hangover and don't get one, and then they show up on eBay for $115 two days later, I'm going to kidnap one of YOUR goddamn children and get my fucking doll. Watch me.