A Cry For (Marketing) Help

I dream the big dreams. I'm a man of ideas, a virtual wellspring of outside the box. I am, fairly regularly, struck with brainstorms so revolutionary, so remarkable, so sure thing that it's practically a miracle that I'm not obscenely wealthy. But it dawned on me today that it's no coincidence that I haven't struck it rich. Something has been holding me down. And, for the sake of argument, let's rule out the abject laziness and utter lack of anything resembling ambition. Instead, let's blame girls.

The dreaded ex, Osama bin Megan, was particularly adept at destroying my dreams (go figure). Over the course of our something like twelve years of sometimes loving, most times hating each other she shot down the following three brilliant ideas that would (or will) later make someone else rich:

1. The bendable toothbrush. I actually got so psyched about this idea that I made a special trip to the grocery store AND the drug store to see if any such product was on the market. It wasn't. I called her and told her about it. She scoffed. Now they're everywhere, and I don't have a dime. Just think of all the relationship counseling we could have afforded with those millions. Yeah, I know, probably not enough. Still, I blame you.

2. The reverse microwave. Everyone claims to have invented this, so I don't know if I can really get all that upset about it. But I'm putting it on the list because, honestly, there can never be enough reasons to blame another people for my station in life. Honestly I can't even figure out why she wasn't more supportive of this one, as it would have been the perfect place to store her cold, black heart.

3. Band Aids for black people. This one is really good. At least ten years ago it occurred to me that it was awfully racist to only have Band Aids in that fleshy color that matches Johnson & Johnson's vision of the ideal master race (that's right, I said it). What we need are some Band Aids for people of color. The recent rapid growth of the Hispanic population in America only makes the need more urgent. And here is the real genius- imagine the secondary market for white kids who want to be black? We could have made billions. But alas, she said it was stupid. Doesn't that make her a racist? Yeah, I think so, too.

I thought I had found a true supporter in Baby. She's been so great to me in so many ways, of course she would be willing to do all of the legwork (and research, and investing, and production, and marketing, and so forth) for my next big idea. Boy, was I wrong. Here is the deal:

Baby watches the Today show every morning before work. I have no choice but to get roped into it. My least favorite guests are the people pushing self-help books for every imaginable malady. So I'm watching one of these idiots this morning and I realize I'm imminently qualified to write my own self-help book. I have issues doctors haven't even found names for yet, and I've overcome no small amount of personal misfortune. Plus my self-righteous streak is a mile wide. Fuck it, I says to myself, I'm writing a book.

I explain the concept to Baby, and she doesn't even consider it. In fact, she flat out dismisses it. "You're not gonna stay pissed about this like the black Band Aids thing, are you?" Fine, I will do it without her help.
Here is my idea, tell me if I'm an idiot:

My self-help book will be titled "Things Will Probably Be OK (But They Could Get Much, Much Worse)." It will be a smartass' guide to dealing with anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, hypochondria, and depression. Each chapter will contain one of the valuable lessons I've learned in life. A selection of chapter titles:

"Never, Ever Graduate From College"

"Germs Can Certainly Kill You, But So Can Everything Else. As Such, You're Only Wasting Precious Seconds By Washing Your Hands Every Ten Minutes"

"Can You Please Explain To Me Why You're Afraid To Touch The Doorknob In A Public Restroom, But You're Perfectly Fine Having Unprotected Sex With Girls You've Only Just Met When You're Out Drinking?"

"Finding A Girlfriend Who Has Her Own Well-Documented Issues Might Seem Like A Good Idea In Theory, As You Will Have Someone To Commiserate With. But In The Long Run You Will Realize That You Hate Other Crazy People Even More Than You Hate Yourself"

And finally-

"Don't Tell Anyone I Told You This, But Suicide Is Always An Option"

I'd be stupid not to do this, right?