Midget Porn, While Awesome, Is Not For Me. Thanks Though.

Baby made a very astute observation the other day. "All your friends are assholes" she says. Short, direct, and absolutely true.

At some point, many years ago, some still-unknown friend put my name and address on some porn mailing list as a joke. And not good porn, either. We're talking low budget, weird stuff. Midgets, old ladies, pregnant ladies, she-males- you name it. If it people whack off to it, they sell it. Awesome. Mind you, we used to do that stuff all the time. Wait, not whack off! Ok yeah, I guess we did ('did,' who am I kidding?) do that all the time. But no, about the mailing lists. I can't even imagine the postage on the metric tons of filth I had delivered to the fathers of all the girls that ever dumped me. But the statute of limitations has passed on that (almost), and anyway that's probably untraceable.

Back to the story.

So periodically I get these gnarly fliers and print catalogs that have pictures of the covers of all these movies. They come in a thin, paper envelope that I'm sure is deliberately just see-through enough for you to be able to tell there is dirty shit going inside. Even better, there is a customer number right above my name and address on the mailing label. This gives the appearance that I've purchased something from them in the past. Nice touch, but everyone knows that only amateurs actually buy porn. Why do you think God invented the interweb?

Anyway, these catalogs have found me everywhere I've moved. Because they're in the envelopes I guess they get the forwarding orders. It's honestly been like 8 years by now. If I don't have hepatitis just from handling the fucking things it's going to be a miracle. You'd think they'd give up as I never buy anything. But nope, I guess they're waiting for that one particularly hot cover shot of Pregnant Bitches to spur an impulse buy. Thankfully I've held out so far.

They were a nuisance enough when I lived alone. But now that Baby goes through the mail I've decided I need to get rid of these once and for all. I made that decision when Baby opened one and spent the next twenty minutes critiquing the pictures. I decided that if Baby can't make midget porn hot, nobody can. Plus if she gets hooked on this stuff that just can't end well.

So I called up the phone number that's on the front of the envelope, but it went right to voicemail. And by voicemail, I mean some dude's answering machine. No chance I'm leaving a message. So I went to their internets. Lo and behold they have all kinds of good porn on the website. These girls are cute. And not pregnant. Why the hell don't I get catalogs full of this stuff?! What kind of fucked up mailing list did someone sign me up for? "No, no, bryc3 doesn't like hot chicks. He likes fatties." God damn it.

I find a "Comments" form and send them an email. "Dear So and So, please remove bryc3 from your mailing list because he's dead. Thanks. But PS, his surviving relatives wouldn't mind getting the hot chick porn catalog. And does he get some kind of long-time member discount?" Just kidding about that last part. Except not really.

I never got a reply to that email, but I haven't received any new catalogs, either. Baby did call a locksmith and had a special doorknob placed a few feet below the one on our front door. I wonder what that's all about.