Verdict: Everyone In Florida Is Retarded

I'm at a loss.

I work in government contracting. A solicitation (an invitation to bid on a contract) for a contract in Florida was recently canceled. I need to find out why. I sent the following very simple email on Tuesday:

"Hello Ms. X,

Can you tell me why this solicitation was canceled? Do you anticipate a new solicitation will be released soon? Was this canceled permanently, or simply postponed?

Thanks,"

I received this in my inbox this morning:

"Please note; that the ITN-DOT-05/06-8007-EH have not been cancelled, what was cancel was ITN-DOT-03/04-8007-EH, due system fail and the " New One" is ITN-DOT-05/06-8007-EH is on line and can be down load.

ELIZABETH E. X
PURCHASING AGENT III
FLORIDA'S TURNPIKE ENTERPRISE
E-MAIL elizabeth.X@XXX.XXX.fl.us
(407) XXX-XXXX EXT.XXXX/SC XXX-XXXX
Fax (407) XXX-XXXX
"In Search of Love & Peace""

I've X'd out most of the details to protect her anonymity. Sort of.

In order:

1) Ah, the semicolon. Should have known this was a harbinger of fuckups to come. Rule of thumb- if you can't form complete sentences, you might want to avoid the semicolon. Its usage is a mystery you will never possess the faculty to solve.

2) A single solicitation (ITN-DOT-05/06-8007-EH) 'have not' been cancelled. Nice.

3) A single solicitation (DOT-03/04-8007-EH) apparently 'was cancel', and apparently 'was cancel due system fail', whatever the fuck THAT means

4) " New One" - this one is my second favorite. Note unnecessary quotation marks. Note unnecessary space between first quotation mark and 'N.' Note unnecessary capitalization.

5) Observe that the "" New One" is ITN-DOT-05/06-8007-EH is on line and can be down load." On line. Down load. Have you ever used the internet, Ms. X? Can I ask how you got the job answering email about information technology contracts if you're unfamiliar with such high-tech jargon as being 'online' and 'downloading' files?

6) Purchasing Agent III?!?! What's the prerequisite for becoming a Purchasing Agent I?

7) This one is my favorite. Check out her signature: "In Search of Love & Peace" Baby suggested she should be in search of remedial grammar. Honestly, she should be in search of a fucking job at Wendy's.

This woman has a very American-sounding name. I'm willing to guess she's an American. This is not a case of making fun of someone new to the language. She's also not an intern or a front line, minimum-wage type. Her title implies seniority. Beyond that, she's employed to be the point of contact with the public, meaning she should be able to at least read and write, right? Is that too much to ask?

The only thing I can come up with is that it's "Bring Your Daughter To Work" day in Florida, and Ms. X's daughter is fucking retarded.