An Awkward Peesition

I have to pee all the time. In fact, I'm peeing right now.

There are a lot of reasons why I pee all the time, lots of theories including "bryc3 drinks way too fucking much" (obvious) and "bryc3 likes being around other semi-naked dudes" (unsubstantiated, yet persistent). The problem has been exacerbated by Baby's insistence that I drink more water. So every day I bring a bottle of water and down that along with my usual one or three Cokes. So yeah, I gotta make yellow a lot.

The amount of time I spend in the men's room has made me an old pro. I go in, I pee, I leave. I don't make small talk, I don't dick around looking in the mirror, and I'm not the insecure guy who's afraid to use the urinal and waits for the stall. I've noticed a lot of otherwise normal men fall into this last category. I don't understand it. We are all peeing, and nobody is checking you out. I know that some men avoid the urinal because they get stage fright. This doesn't happen to me. I have noticed that as I have gotten older it has taken progressively longer to get things going once I do step up to the urinal, but again my long experience in the men's room has taught me that this is normal with older guys. Just give it time, it's coming out sooner or later.

The other day I'm headed toward the men's room and I notice the distinct voices of our owner and the senior vice president in the hall behind me. I push open the bathroom door and as I look back to hold it for anyone who might be behind me, I notice that they're both headed my way. I'm not stupid, I hold the door for them. So the three of us enter the bathroom together and head for the three urinals.

By default I head for the middle urinal. This is a mistake, as the two men are carrying on a conversation which has continued even as they're unbuttoning their pants. Now they're talking back and forth, and I'm standing there holding my little guy and cursing my infant's bladder for having to pee all the damn time. I'm starting to get nervous, as I realize just how emasculated I am. I am literally caught with my pants down, as these men who control my future at the company are inconvenienced because I'm too stupid to have given them adjacent urinals. I curse myself again for being an idiot.

What can I do in this situation? How can I save face? I'm fairly proud of my urinal etiquette, but these men are obviously not impressed because they're violating the talking rule. They don't care that I have the practiced, eyes-forward method of a seasoned veteran. Should I comment on their conversation? Am I allowed to do that? I did fairly well in business school, but I don't remember any Peter Drucker books on corporate pee strategy. To make matters worse, something seems not quite right. Everything seems to have followed protocol, but something is definitely missing.

No one is actually peeing.

These men are old, probably in their sixties or seventies. It takes them a while. I can respect that. I, however, am just plain nervous. I've got stage fright for the first time in my life. I simply cannot go. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. The seconds are passing like hours. I'm certain they've noticed this younger guy who is too big of a pussy to pee with the grownups. I can see it all in my head, as they go back to their desks and order their secretaries to write "Inadequate urination, not management potential" in my personnel file. I'm finished, and all because I can't start.

Finally, mercifully, the old bastards get their business started. The noise is enough to mask my lack of noise, and I flush and hurriedly wash my hands and shamefully return to my cubicle, still having to pee. No worries, I'm due back in the men's room in another forty five minutes. But you can make damn sure I'm using the fucking stall.