I'm Rich! And I Didn't Even Have To Let A Man In My Porch!

Good news, my money worries are over. For a while there I was having trouble, trying to figure out how to pay for a wedding and a new condo. But lady luck visited my inbox this morning, and it's easy street from here on out, I tell you. Check out my ticket to the good life:

Dearest Beloved One,I am Mrs. Anita Adams Johnson from Ivory Coast. I was married to Late Cheif Adams Johnson who was a contractor with the government of Cote D'Ivoire before he died after few days in the hospital. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $8.700 Million with a Bank in Cote D lvoire. Presently this money is still in the custody of the Bank here in Cote DIvoire.My Doctor told me that it is very likely i will die within the next 3 months due to A Blood cancer {LUCAMIA}. I have decided to donate the money for charity to you since i do not have a child to inherit it and it better i do not die leaving the money here without it reaching the poor and the lessprivilaged ones in the society. As soon as I receive your reply I shall tell my bank to transfer themoney to you.
EMAIL ME ON : kkkanitaadams200@yahoo.co.uk
Mrs. Anita Adams Johnson.

Pretty fucking sweet, am I right? I mean, I'm no expert on Cote D'Ivoire, but this all does sound pretty promising, doesn't it? Intrigued, I spent the morning investigating and I picked up a slew of facts about the good old Ivory Coast:

1. Government contractors and their spouses have adopted several spellings for their homeland, including: Cote D'Ivoire, Cote D Ivoire, and Cote DIvoire. Note that the correct spelling is actually Cote d'Ivoire. Man, I thought us government contractors in the United States were creative when we made up terms like Earned Value Management and Business Processing Engineering. But we've got nothing on the guys in Africa, who make up new names for the places they live!

2. Despite living in a French-speaking country, the people of Ivory Coast have recently begun the very hip trend of giving their children American names. Anita Adams Johnson- doesn't get any more American than that. Oddly, boys are often named for their distant Icelandic relatives, including the late Cheif Adams Johnson, obviously a modern take on the name of his ancestor, Leif Ericson, of Ivory Coast-founding, possible America-discovering (don't tell the Sopranos) fame. Finally, it's good to see the ancient Ivory Coastian tradition of wives adopting the middle and last names of their husbands is still intact.

3. Poor Anita, stricken with such a terrible disease. When I got the cancer the diagnosis was pretty bleak, but not so goddamn bleak that they called it A Blood cancer. That sounds terrible! When your disease is capitalized I think you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye. And I confess I was unfamiliar with {LUCAMIA}. Are the brackets a part of the word? Or is that the worst spelling of leukemia in history? Maybe it's like Mad Libs for doctors with poor spelling? I google'd it, and this is troubling and funny enough to warrant posting here. Someone posted the following on a translation request website (Proz- who knew such a thing existed?), asking for help figuring out the meaning of:

"That man in your porch is like lucamia on your face."

The response he got:

"that man is as welcome as leukemia (skin lesions) on your face"

Dude wtf? I have leukemia, and I ain't got no skin lesions of my face. But then again I've never had a man in my porch. Doesn't that sound kind of dirty, actually? I honestly don't know what to make of this entire exchange, and this post is getting derailed, but for some reason the whole thing makes me laugh. Where was I?

4. Oh right, Anita is gonna die, and she wants to leave the money to the "the poor and the lessprivilaged." Look, I'm not rich by any means. But if you're picking me out as lessprivilaged than your fellow Ivory Coastians, then a lot of fucking people have been telling me a lot of fucking lies about the standard of living in Africa. Oh well, at least I don't feel so bad about Baby's engagement ring. Next time I see that Leonard DiCaprio I'm gonna tell him to piss up a rope. Blood Diamond my ass.

5. Best part- Anita's email address: kkkanitaadams200@yahoo.co.uk. If I had any doubts about your charitable intent Anita, they melted away the minute I saw you were a member of the Brotherhood. The KKK in Africa. Really, who knew?